Here we go again…
There is no skip in my step as I arrive for my third Day 2 scan. It is not so much the IVF process that has me down. It’s early days after all. It’s this incessant menstrual cycle and the never-ending whirligig of emotional desolation that precedes every period. I feel as though I cannot bear to go through another. I feel as though I can’t take it even one more time.
Legs in the air, Dr C probes and measures. I’m no gynaecologist but I can tell that isn’t the diameter of an egg. He finds two potential ova on the right but thinks that the thickening on the left that wasn’t there previously may be a fibroid. He tells me we don’t have to worry about that now. It won’t affect what we’re doing.
We run through my drug program (the same as last month) and we’re done. As he walks me out of his office I ask what happens if we can’t proceed this cycle. Should we just use my two eggs we have on ice?
Dr C says: One step at a time.
I stop into the nurses’ office. Sister gets out my prescriptions and runs through the schedule. Referring to last month’s misdemeanour, she asks me if I am going to wait for my blood results before taking my first dose. I nod. She asks if I have been taking my folic acid. I proudly say yes; and iron and Evening Primrose Oil and CoQ10. Sister looks at me strangely, then tells me that they don’t advise taking supplements as there is no evidence on how they interact with fertility drugs. When I think back to everything I’ve read I realise it was all for natural pregnancies not IVF. I promise her I won’t take them anymore.
Brown paper bag on my lap I ask if I can make an off the topic gynaecological enquiry. The one I hadn’t been able to ask Dr C when I was in his office. Sister says of course.
I ask if the body’s hormonal cycles would stop if you had a hysterectomy. My other fertility nurse who is listening says you would need an ovariohysterectomy removing the ovaries as well as the uterus.
I tell them I can’t do it anymore. I can’t live like this. I’m just getting over the last period when the next one starts. I would have had the whole lot taken out when I was seventeen if I could but I have endured it all these years so that I could one day have children. Now that I am here, and I am going to either have a baby or never have a baby, I am thinking I could remove my womb after the IVF – if it would put an end to this hormonal roller coaster. I already know it is not a guarantee to stop the endometriosis symptoms.
Nurse says it is an extreme procedure and Dr C would probably recommend alternatives first. I tell her I have most likely covered them all already.
Sister asks if I have spoken to anyone about how I am feeling. I see her concern. I explain that my current stress is not so much about the IVF but all the strain and ugliness over my father’s estate on top of this never-ending monthly physiological and emotional trauma. She says she thinks I need to talk to someone. She wants to know that I am supported during this time.
I don’t tell Sister I am going for spiritual healing. Apart from a clairvoyant not being the appropriate advisor on my fertility, I haven’t even got around to talking about my baby plans I have such a back log of things I am working through. I suppose its odd that I will talk to her about the past but I won’t speak to her about the future given that’s why most people seek her out.
Sister gets emotional as she says she can recommend someone who will understand everything I am going through and repeats that she wants to know that I am supported as she searches out the contact details for her psychologist. I promise her I’ll call.
I am driving to Dad’s from yoga class when she phones this afternoon with my blood results. I already know what she’s going to say when she realises I am driving and asks if I’d rather speak to her later. I tell her it’s fine. I’m sitting down.
Despite taking the pill this past month which should have reduced them, my FSH levels are too high again. I’m not surprised. I’ve been so stressed how can I expect my body to make babies? I remind myself there are already two eggs in the freezer and then wonder if I shouldn’t have just gone ahead on that first round. I remind myself there is no value in What Ifs.
Dr C wants me to come in to chat next week. I wonder what there can be to say.