Aside from the chaos and tension simmering in my professional and family life right now, there are three positive changes that have come about since I began fertility treatment six weeks ago.
The first is that I am writing again. It has taken me three years to be able to channel my energy back into words. During that bleak time I would sometimes write but I could never bring myself to share the terrible darkness my mind inhabited.
Even now I struggle with publishing what feels like a constant litany of negativity. But it is necessary. It is part of my journey out of the dark into the light, my way of processing everything that has happened and is happening.
As terrifying as it is to expose oneself to criticism and judgement in this way I know that in sharing these dark truths I am not only helping myself but others who may still be suffering. We find strength in each other, in knowing we are not alone, that someone somewhere knows and understands our pain and our struggles.
Although so often I feel weak and broken I know that I am stronger than most because I have to work twice as hard at a life that doesn’t come easily for me. And I know that when I am vulnerable, I allow others to be vulnerable too… and in that vulnerability we find the truth and intimacy for which our souls are searching.
My heart has been cold for a long time. When we build fortress walls to protect ourselves from all the things that have harmed us, we shut out light and warmth too. We forget what it is to smile, to know peace, as we cower waiting for the next arrow to pierce our armaments. We hide our love in the basement safe from harm but unable to grow.
But it’s there, waiting to be shared.
In starting this blog, it is as though I have opened a window and a shard of light has made its way in. It will take time for my frozen heart to thaw but it’s good to know it might finally be out of the freezer.