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I am tired. There is a weariness that extends beyond my bones, beyond my muscles, beyond even the heaviness that sits behind my eyes.

The exhaustion is coming too regularly without reason now. Every two or three days it hits rendering me mentally and physically immobile. I know this tiredness. It has another name. It is called Chronic Fatigue.

It is of course a symptom of Endometriosis but then it comes in the week prior to my period when I can sleep for 17 hours in a row and then go back and sleep through the night only a few hours later.

This is not the usual cyclical tiredness. I wonder if my Glandular Fever and Coxsackie have returned. I blame myself. It’s the stress I am under. I haven’t been eating right.

I have to follow a whole foods diet or I get sick. That means no processed carbs, no refined sugars, definitely no junk food or alcohol. I can ‘cheat’ a couple of times a week but if I eat bread every day for a month I will pay a heavy price. I have been eating illegal foods every day for a long while now.

Getting sick means any and/or all of these things:

Constipation Diarrhoea Headaches Chronic Fatigue Worsened period pain (Dysmenorrhea) Viral infections – often lasting weeks.

And Hormonal Imbalance leading to: Mood swings Depression Zero Tolerance for other people’s stupidity and/or bullshit.

It’s a vicious cycle because when I am tired or down I can’t be bothered to make my own food. Eating out inevitably means compromising. Sometimes I just don’t eat at all.

So for all the salads and vegetables and fresh juices; for all the home made muesli, the smoothies and the super foods I can’t seem to maintain the optimum nutrition required for my good health right now.

I keep promising myself that tomorrow I will be good but then someone hands me a cupcake. Or orders pizza. And I love them. I freaking LOVE them. I will shovel all of it into my face without hesitation and then have some more. And because I am slim people keeping telling me its ok, you can have another one and I try to explain sometimes that it’s not ok but they don’t want to hear.

Once quite recently when I had got too thin a colleague asked how I had lost so much weight and I said you don’t want to go on my diet, it’s called Stress and all she could say was how lucky I was because she comfort eats when she’s stressed. She wasn’t the only one. It kind of blew my mind what a warped society we live in when being so sick that your bones jut out is seen as worth it because hey, on the up side you’re skinny.

My new IVF guru over in Australia who is one baby in and trying for another has sent me her pregnancy foods list and well, it looked pretty much like my normal diet (minus the chocolate.) I am going to have to be extra vigilant.

My other fertility guru in New York has advised me to get Coq10: “an antioxidant that helps reduce cell and DNA damage caused by free radicals which has been shown to reduce blood pressure and improve egg health, sperm health and in turn embryo quality.” Also wheat germ, evening primrose oil, royal jelly, and acupuncture. Tomorrow I willI stop in at a chemist  and stock up.

I berate myself for not being focused enough on this. I should be taking better care of myself. I am juggling too many things all at once. I need to deal with my emotional stress.

Tomorrow…. Tomorrow I will do better. Tomorrow I will be stronger.

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